Visayan Jokes 1

Teacher: Ok Class, Only Pedro got 98/100

Pedro: Dah! kabuhat mo ana? Paguli mos inyong bukid ui! tanom kamote kaon dukot..mga bugo!!!

Teacher:....d rest got 100

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Juan: Doc, ngano og mo inum ko og red horse mo sakit man akong dughan, pero kung libre dli man.

Doctor: Ni-nipis imong baga pero imong nawong BAGA!!

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One guy shouted inside the church & said:

Ihunong ang kasal! Minyo na ang girl!

The people shouted back:

esure na part..Bunyag ni... 

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Boy 1: Bai, ilugon naku imo uyab ha..

Boy 2: Suwayi...

Boy 1: Mailog man gani nang yuta nga titulado uyab pa kaha?

Boy 2: aw o sad, mabungkag man gani ng bato nawong pa kaha?

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Di lahat ng batang naka bag, nag aaral

Yong iba naglalakwatsa lang, Tulad ni dora , sige lang laag, dala2x pag mapa..

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Papa: nak, unsai pangandoy nimo?

Anak: Kanang makabyahe kog lain nga lugar unya naa koy daghan kwarta nga g.kuptan.

Papa:char! gusto diay ka mag KONDUKTOR nak?

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COURT

Judge: Pedro, unsa man jd ang nahitabo?

Pedro: (wala ni tingog)

Judge: tubaga ang question!

Pedro:ingon hearing lang ni..ngano naay speaking?

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Sa Museum:

Juan: mao ba ni ang inyong gitawag og ART? kama-ot! bati-a! yuckszzzzz ewwww! painting ba ni?

Tour Guid: dli sir samin na cya..SAMIN!!!

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Mama: Nak, nganung nagkabulingit man ka?

Anak: kabantay ka anang kanal dira ma?

Mama: Oo nak, kabantay ko. Nganu man?

Anak: Ako wala. 

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"If you dont take good care of urself, we will take good care of you"  - a reminder from St. Peter's Funeral Homes-

"Ang Inyong Kamatayon, Among Kaugmaon"

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A fast beating heart doesn't always mean LOVE..

A blushing face is not always a sign that your inlove..

Sometimes HUBOG LANG!!

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INTERVIEWER:

ano gagawin mo pag gumising ka na may katabing $1M?

Kano: go on a world tour

Japon: put up a bizniz

Pinoy: Tulog napud para mahimong $2M. hehehehe

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Sakristan: bindisyon koh pader kay nakasala koh.

Pari:unsa may imong sala?

Sakristan: nagawat koh og lubi dre..

Pari: Pila kabuok?

Sakristan:3 kabuok

Pari: Pun-e og lima kay mag biko tah! hahaha

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Boy: Hulog ka ba ng langit?

Girl: asus..saba diha..karaan na kaau ng linyaha..

Boy: kay lumping man gud imong nawong..hahaha

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Why do dwarfs laugh while running through the forest?

-because.. gilok ilang itlog kay masabud sa sagbot..hehehe

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People keep wonderin' why I am cute, some ask nag pa Belo ba daw ako?.. I just smile and say,"la ui..kuan lang mani kanang kaila kag since birth..?"

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A lizard fell on the table:

Genius: OH! REPTILA SCINCIDAE!

Kikay: Eww!..Lizard

Astig: Peste! Tiki...

Igat: Shucks Butiks

Datu: Yuck Lacoste

Pobre: Oi!!! Sud-an

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Duha ka langam naa ibabaw sa basa nga TAE:
Langaw 1: mare, kalibangon ko!
Langaw 2: yakz! kalood nimo oi! ayaw pag ana mare oi, nag kaon baya tah!

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Sa Karenderia
Customer: Unsa mani imong lugaw naa may langaw..
Waiter:Sakantidad na 5 pisos ayaw napagdahum na manok ang sagol.
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Anak: Ma, 18th birthday na nako ugma! himo-e baya ko og message ha, kanang makahilak ko
(Pagka-ugma)
Mama: Nak adopted ra baya ka.. happy birthday!
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Warden: karong adlawa kamong tanan naay bag-ong brief!
Priso: Yeheyyyyyyy! pagka buotan jd ni warden oi! super!
Warden: Ok.. Selda A and Selda B.. EXCHANGE BRIEF!!!   
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Sa Sementeryo usa ka gabie:
GARD: sus maryusep..abi kog kalag ka.unsa imong g.tiltil sa lapida?
NAGTILTIL: ang amaw! wrong spelling ako pangalan.
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A large sign board says:
"Alcohol Kills Slowly"
nakit.an sa hubog..
"so what"?
kinsa may nag dali?
mau untag "IT KILLS FAST".. kay makuyawan tah! hahaha
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Doctor sa Mental:
buotan ka nga tawu, imu g.luwas ang nalumos pro wai swerte kay naghikog g.hapon sa CR.
Buang: wala to naghikug, akong tong gibitay para mauga!   
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Nasunog ang sinehan:
Pedro:JUAN! dri ta agi uh!
Juan: unsay panan.aw nimo nako?bugok?HOY! FIRE EXIT NA DHA...dha mo gawas ang kalayo...
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If you have a problem.. ayaw jd pakamatay..
just think of this
Lungon-25,000
Haya-4,000
Lubong-5,000
Kape and Biskuit- 4,000


Thats why if you have a problem, Text me.
Red Horse- 70.00
Choco Bum- 200.00
Pulutan- 150.00

Pili ka... patay or TAGAY? hahaha -----------------------------------------------------------
Being laagan is so natural to us..gwapa man gud tah.
so when someone tells u, "hala, la.agan nmo wui!" turn back & say..
"apektado ka? kaw daw gwapa beh, mag puyo baka?"
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Titser: Class what are the different colors of bananas?
Juan: Grin, Yellow, Pula og Brown mam!
Titser: Gago! brown b na saging?
Juan: Gaga! ang nilung-ag diay, peke na?
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ang "stars" ginawa para maka pag wish
ang "angels" ginawa para taga bantay,
aq? eh bat aq ginawa?
-la lang..trip lang nila mama og papa..enjoy man daw
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Sa bus,
Juan: k0ncnxcia kaau ko mag tan.aw sa babae mag tindog nya aq galingkod.
Pedro: nya unsa man imong g.buhat?
Juan: naluoy man q...no choice , piyong nalang q..
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Sa Mental Hospital
nag drawing ang doctor og pertahan sa blackboard.

Doctor: Kung kinsa ang makauna makagawas dri sa pertahan, maoy maka gawas na dre sa hospital.

Nag lumba ang mga buang nga pasyente!
pro naay isa wala ni dagan og grabeng katawa. 

Doctor:hmm..murag naayohan na gali ning isa dri.magutana q nganong wala ka ni apil nila og lumba?

Pasyente: Mga buang man di na cla! Saon nila pag gawas nga naa sako ang yabi..lolz!
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Driver: palihig lang beh, kadtong mga bati og nawong kanaoggi kay naay checkpoint sa unahan.palihug lang.. 

USA KA PASAHERO MINGSAGBAT: unya noy. kinsa namay mo drive?


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Love Quotes 3

 Its the way you make me laugh when I don't even want to smile

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You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about.

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I couldn't be with him. I couldn't spend 12 hours pretending I loved him, then fall asleep with you on my mind. I know you're with her, but are you ever guilty of the same? I guess we never moved on.

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...&if you think about it, we're never afraid of saying, "I love you." We're only afraid of what comes after- the response.

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I think I'll go anti-love. Really, who wants butterflies in their stomach & their heart skipping beats that can't be safe...sooner or later, you're bound to get hurt

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One kiss, it changed my whole world.

I think I fell for you instantly.

How insane it must sound.

Oh how you make me smile, You have no idea.

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And with just one touch, you can fall in love

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And she gave everything she had to a boy, who changed his mind

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She's strong like steel, & weak like a tree limb. She's breakable and she's fragile like a broken heart, yet she has as much strength as a raging fire. She can't stand watching her whole world fall apart, yet she still can't just choose

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It's funny that after all these years, she still gets the sparkle in her eyes whenever she sees him & its even funnier that he still smiles whenever he hears her voice. It was as if time was trying to tell them something that they were meant to be.

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Thinking of you keeps me Awake

Dreaming of you keeps me Asleep

Being with you keeps me Alive

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A women once said loving a man is like a deck of cards.

You need a heart to love him. <3

A diamond to marry him. <>

A club to bash his head in ()

And a spade to bury him. ->

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& even though we've moved on it gets so hard to walk away

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"I'm not stalking you. I'm doing research."

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So one day, please turn around, and watch me give my heart away and realize what a precious thing you let escape.

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After repeating heartbreaks, I realized, we are not perfect, but we are perfect for someone....

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Dear brain,

I know he's all you think about but I think we need to move on,I mean he already has.

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It's like he just threw me on the floor and found a new toy to play with

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Dear brain, sorry for overloading you with thoughts of him.

Dear tummy, sorry for all the butterflies.

Dear pillow, sorry for all the tears.

Dear heart, sorry for all the damage.

Dear me, sorry for being head-over-heels in love with him.

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Unimagined feelings felt, unintentional words spoken

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If falling for you is crazy...then I'm going outta my mind

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Every girl always asks me "what does she have that I don't?"

And I reply,.."my heart"

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You're my happy ending

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11:11 I wished for you

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To ask me to describe love is like asking me to describe the taste of water.

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At one point in your life, you're going to realize something-Your best friend knows every single secret you have. Every secret, but one....

....that you're completely head-over-heels in love w. him..

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True love does not come by finding the perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly..

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& even though I tell my heart to stop, it doesn't slow down, it doesn't falter...it keeps trying to find you

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If I could be any part of you, I'd be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

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Dreams of time are unaware of your wishes for a prince.

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&its the fact that I'm not the one you wanna hold anymore & i hate it..

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With your eyes locked on mine. Oh, we will fill the metro skies with country air, and when you close your tired eyes; I'll meet you there

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It's that kind of feeling that, you think he's cute and you don't like him but when someone else is all over him, your jealous..yea it's that kind of feeling.

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Only you have the key to my heart & there are no other copies.

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.....&I wish I could show you how much you mean to me, but I can't show you the world.

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There's no point in forever without you..

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It pains me to hear the way you speak about her

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The stars lean down to kiss you

and I lie awake and miss you

pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

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If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

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I'm not saying I want someone perfect, just someone that will make it all worth it

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I asked God for a flower, he gave me a bouquet

I asked God for a minute, he gave me a day

I asked God for true love, he gave me that too

I asked for an angel and he gave me you..

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I'm not that desperate..and your not that lucky [:

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It's so funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love, while at the back of our mind's we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception.

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Just when I thought I could take no more, you come around and help me pick my heart up off the floor.

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A life without love is not a life at all

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Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends. You gain friends. You realize your friend wasn't ever really your friend, & that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love.

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After a while, you just want to be with the person who never fails to make you smile

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I'm jealous of everyone you've ever been with; because when they held you they were holding my entire world

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No matter how hard I try I will never be the one that has the power to make you look at me and smile or the power to make you think "wow she's amazing."

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From mascara tears and teenage boys, to broken hearts and crying on the bathroom floor.

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He lifted her up on his back, and started to walk away.

"People are staring," she muttered, her cheeks going pink.

"That's just because you're so beautiful," he told her. A laugh bubbled up in her chest... <3

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And if tomorrow you're still just a friend, I'll wait up until 11:11 again.

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I want to gaze into your eyes and kiss you under a moonlit sky as the stars watch and grow envious because you outshine them all.

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Don't you ever wonder when it says he's typing a message, and then doesn't send it, how it could have just maybe changed your life forever?
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You were the best thing summer gave me .better than silence and no school, no curfew and no rules. I was the last thing you expected to become part of your life.

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You know you are in love when: You text him (I Miss You) while he is right beside you not looking, just to see him smiling when he discovers it is you.

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Losing you isn't the hardest part, its knowing I once had you that breaks my heart

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I want him to come up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist to catch me off guard and whisper..I love you..

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Buy me a plastic ring & tell me you love me..

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Its funny how you can always tell when a boy like's someone else but can never tell if he likes you.

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Its hard to make conversation when he's taken my breath away...

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I love it when my fingers are entangled in yours. My head is on your chest & I'm listening to your heart beat. it makes me feel like nothing could ever go wrong and I'm totally and completely safe with you.

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Love is like a butterfly, the more you chase it the more it eludes you...but if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it..

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I'm 99% sure I should go, but the 1% is enough to keep me holding on

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There's no distance between us if we gaze at the same stars.

Love Quotes 2

I wanna wake up everyday, with a big smile on my face, but its not gonna be true unless I HAVE YOU.
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I regret a lot of thing & I mean a lot. Besides you.
No matter what you did to me. I will never regret letting you into my life.
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I don't want people to understand me, I want them to see what I got taken from me.

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It's the smallest things we do & say that stay imprinted in my head forever....
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He took my hand and showed me to a mirror. You took my hand and loved me even as screwed up as you know I am.
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From winter snow to summer rain,
My heart kept libraries full of pain. 
Until the moment you interfered,

An indescribable feeling reappeared :)

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Come my love, Hold my hand. & Let's face this world together.

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It's those little talk we have that make me like you more & more.

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Never apologize for what you feel. It's like saying sorry for being real.

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No matter how much it hurts to see you with her, I'm happy for you. 

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Every time you say you love her, it breaks my heart a little more.
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Be strong now because it will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.
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I'm perfectly alright with sunlight in my eyes..it just leads my heart to you
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I'm smiling because my mama told me I would meet you someday, for a while there I started to doubt...
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Trying to be so perfect cause I know your worth it
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He is my heaven in the middle of hell
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I cannot lose you. Because if I ever did, I would have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything
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&there's feelings we both share, but something continues to hold us back.
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Love is not a feelings, it a commitment
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If violets were red and roses were blue, then maybe you'd love me too.
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I want to be the only hand you need to hold onto.
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You weren't suppose to mean that much to me & I wasn't supposed to fall in love
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Don't fall for someone unless they are willing to catch you
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When my little daughter asks me," Mummy, who was your first love?"
I don't want to pull out an old photo albums and love letters.
I want to point across the room and say, " Your father, he's sitting right there"
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Funny how the one you love can make you so mad yet you want nothing more than for them to hold you close and never let go
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Every second that I spend being with you and around you is just like a dream that comes true.....
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For someone who is suppose to be "just friends" why do I always get butterflies in my stomach when you smile at me.
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Idc what they say I'm in love you; they try to push me away but they don't know the truth.
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Every girl wants to find their soul mate, perfect man, best friend & I've found him<3
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I love it when in the middle of our kiss I can feel you smiling..

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We dance for laughter, we dance for tears
We dance for madness, we dance for fears
we dance for hopes, we dance for screams
we are the dancers, we create the dreams
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She turned to walk away, it was time for her to get home. He grabbed her hand, but still urgently, towards him she fell into his chest and he started kissing her & whispered, " so you'll be smiling on your way home."  

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We were given two hands to hold
Two legs to walk
Two eyes to see
Two ears to listen

But why only one heart?

Because the other one was given to someone for us to find
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When you feel alone, just look at the space, between your fingers and remember that they fit perfectly with mine  
  

Love Quotes 1

I wanna be the girl he gives his hoodie to wear & cuddles up next to when its cold, he'll be the one who comes up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist, & catches me off guard and whispers "you look beautiful".

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Girl:When did you fall for me?

Boy:From the moment I saw your pretty face

Girl: But why....

Boy: I knew you were that type of girl I just had to show my mom

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I Don't Know What To Believe Anymore.

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He holds me when I start to cry,

He makes me smile with just his eyes,

He shares my hopes, dreams & fears,

He wipes away all my tears,

I love him completely with no regrets

Too bad I haven't found him just yet...

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Having a place to go- Is A Home

Having someone to love- Is A Family

Having Both- Is A Blessing

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Behind my smile is a story you'll never understand...

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I may not get to see you as often as I like.

I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night,

But deep down in my heart I truly know, 

You're the one that I love, and I can't let you go  

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Kissing is like alcohol, One is never enough.

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What a women wants to hear most isn't "I Love You" its your most important thing to me. :]

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Boys can say they are so strong but really its a girls heartbeat that is the strongest thing it can be broken, smashed and torn yet it still beats

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His eyes tells it all.

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Stop thinking of what could go wrong & Start thinking what could go right 

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Wait for the guy that will always be there. The guy that will love you no matter what. The guy that even if you look horrible will say you look amazing and won't lie. Every time he sees you he will think you are beautiful.

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See me, smile at me. Smile at me, meet me. Meet me, text me. Text me, call me. Call me, see me. See me, kiss me. Kiss me, hold me. Hold me, s3x me. S3x me, take me. Take me, leave me.I won't fall in love again.

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Girl: What would happen if we broke up?

Boy: I would go back to my ex.

Girl: *cries* WERE OVER!

Boy: (Knocks on the door)

Girl: (Opens the door) I thought you was going back with your ex

Boy: You are my ex ;)

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She got this subtle beauty, where she knows what your thinking but she doesn't let you know she's got you figured out

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Play your games & have your fun,

Just don't expect me to be here when your done

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Life is too short:So Kiss slowly. Laugh Insanely. Love Truly & Forgive Quickly.

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They ask me what's so special about you, but i don't want to tell them because i'm afraid that they might fall in love too.. 

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Just hold on tight because I'm always gonna treat you right. 

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Your the reason I'm smiling every start of the day & i hope you know I mean it every time I say I love you, always & forever, It'll always be the same .

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At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.

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No guy is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry

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When we look in each others eyes, I melt. 

When you smile, I die

When we are close, I wan't to freeze time, and stay there forever.

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Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I love you.

It's like I want to throw you off a cliff then rush to the bottom to catch you.

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Dear Heart,

The next time you want to fall in love make sure you also listen to my head.

Sincerely, 

Tired of Getting Hurt.

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The Sweet Kisses, the long hugs, those nights where we never want to say goodbye. Somewhere between those moments I Fell In Love. x3

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I can't do this anymore..

I fall in love with you more and more as each day passes.

Too bad that you're just my best friend. 

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Talk to me when I'm bored. 

Kiss me when I'm sad.

Hug me when I cry

Care for me when I'm old.

Love me when I'm still alive.

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Promise is a big word; it either makes something or it breaks everything.

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Don't bother on telling me who my ex bf is dating cause then I feel bad for the b****- who is taking my sloppy seconds.

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Your bright eyes puts the city lights to shame

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They were walking through the park, hand to hand..arguing over who loved who more. 

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I need 3 things in my life; the moon, the sun & you.

The moon for the night, the sun for the day, & you for the rest of my life.

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Falling in love with you is the second best thing i've done. Finding you is the first.

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